


Ain't No Prince Charming

by Merlin Missy (mtgat)



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: Didn't Know They Were Dating, M/M, Rescue Missions, Tiny Little Men Loving Each Other, Yuletide Treat, love's first kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-18 16:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21930370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtgat/pseuds/Merlin%20Missy
Summary: When his very best friend in the world gets stolen from the museum, Jedediah sets out to rescue him.
Relationships: Jedediah/Octavius (Night at the Museum)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 304
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Ain't No Prince Charming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [epicycles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicycles/gifts).



Gigantor asked them all the time what it felt like when they came alive at night. The closest thing Jedediah could think of was that it was like sleeping outside at night on your bedroll with the stars for a blanket, and shivering yourself awake with chill. Octavius said it was like emerging from a warm bath enriched in the favor of the gods. How did he know? His diorama didn't even have baths! Jedediah thought to himself Octavius liked to sound all intellectual and such, but when the hammer met the spike, his brain was as full of plastic as anyone else's.

Jedediah woke up, and he stretched, already in a mood. Last night, he'd challenged his Roman buddy to a game. What did Nicky call it? A wintendo? Anyway, the screen was huge, and Jed had smacked the giant buttons on his side faster than Octavius had pressed his, but oh no, just as he was about to win, Gigantor had to manhandle them both and stick them back in their boxes.

"We don't play with the Lost and Found items."

"Why not?" Jed had asked. "We found it!"

From next door, Octavius shouted, "You are fortunate! I was about to defeat you!" And on that sour note, Jedediah had gone to sleep, stuck with an annoyed look on his face all day.

Now he shouted his reply over to the Romans: "Time for a rematch!" He climbed down to the floor and waited for his friend. There was a bustle up in their box tonight. "What in tarnation is going on up there?" Even more annoyed, Jed started the tall climb back up.

"Hey," said Gigantor, coming in with his flashlight. "What's the commotion?" He offered his palm to Jed, who didn't have to take it thank you, but stepped aboard to be polite.

The flashlight threw a bright light on Octavius's second in command, Felix, who put his arm over his face until Gigantor moved the beam. "We can't find Octavius. Was he in your diorama today?" Felix asked Jed, who shook his head. He ignored Felix's leading tone. Sure, he and Octavius spent a bunch of time together. They were pals, that was all.

Gigantor said, "I put these two back right before dawn."

Jedediah said, "Maybe he's in another part of the museum. I can help you look."

He didn't like the expression on Gigantor's face. "Sure. Come on."

"Don't you manhandle me," Jed warned him, though the threat had long since lost its teeth.

"Wouldn't dream of it. I've got that pocket you like."

Reluctantly, Jed allowed himself to be picked up where he could climb into Gigantor's huge pocket and stare out. It was snug in here, yeah, and he liked it. Sometimes he and Octavius spent half the night with Gigantor, riding along in this pocket together, palavering and having a great time while the big man went about his nightly duties.

Tonight they went through Gigantor's rounds: check on the critters, play with the T-rex, have a nice chat with ol' Ahkmenrah. No sign anywhere of Jed's best pal. Nobody had seen him. It made no sense, but Octavius wasn't in the museum.

"I don't get it," said Gigantor to President Roosevelt. "Where on earth could he have gotten himself to?"

"Perhaps he didn't get himself anywhere, Lawrence. Perhaps someone got him instead."

Jed got a cold shiver, even here in Gigantor's warm pocket. "You're saying some low-down varmint kidnapped Octavius?"

Gigantor said, "The security cameras. Come on, Jedediah. We'll see who was messing around with the dioramas during the day."

They headed down to the basement where the guards liked to go. It used to be those three would lock everyone in their displays then go downstairs and play cards all night. Jed only knew that because they'd forgotten to lock him up one night and he'd gone wandering. Not like Gigantor, who was happy to let them all stretch their legs, wings, or tails as long as they helped tidy up after. Why, he'd never even have met Octavius except as an unseen shout next door if it weren't for Gigantor.

He tried not to think that he might never see his best friend again.

"Here. This is the tape from your hall today."

Jed sat by the enormous screen. Some nights, Gigantor put in another tape and let all the Romans and cowboys watch a movie together. Octavius always insisted the two of them sit together as examples for their men, and Jed never minded at all.

He saw the Roman diorama on the black and white screen, and saw his buddy standing there stiff as death. Jed suddenly missed him a whole lot. "He's in there."

"I knew that," said Gigantor. He pressed a button, and the funniest thing happened as people began jumping and running at high speed. Jed just about busted a gut laughing at them. "There." The movie slowed down.

A boy, maybe Nicky's age, stood in front of the dioramas. Jed didn't care. People stared at them all day. That was the point.

The kid's hand darted out, snatched one of the figures, and stuffed it deep into a pocket. Not it, him. Fury lit him. "That kid stole Octavius!"

"So he did," said Gigantor, rewinding and examining the boy. "All right, let's figure out who this kid is. Then the museum can call his parents, tell them he stole an artifact, and politely suggest he return it before we involve the police."

"The police? Let's send a posse after that son of a gun!"

Gigantor shook his head. "You have to trust me, Jedediah. This will be better." He scanned the other security tapes, tracing the kid's day backward until he found the footage where the boy walked in. "Okay, he got here at ten AM sharp. Looking through the security records," he said, typing in something on one of them newfangled computers, "that narrows it down to two groups. And only one group bought a child's ticket to the special exhibits. I'll check the credit card information."

Jed leaned over his arm, fascinated. You could find just about anything with one of these computer things.

"I've got the kid's mom's name. We'll Google her and see if we can get a phone number."

"Yeah, Google that," Jed said, nodding his head. The computer screen pulled up the name, telephone number, and address.

"Right," Gigantor said, writing down the number. "I'll call her first thing tomorrow. Don't worry. We'll have Octavius home in a day or two."

Jedediah wasn't worried. Along with the address, the handy computer Google thing had pulled up a map.

***

The night was still young. Jedediah let Gigantor bring him back to the display room, offering reassurance all the way. "I'm sure he's fine. Kids steal souvenirs from the gift shop all the time."

"Yeah," Jed said. "I bet you're right."

"He'll be fine. He was taken during the day. He won't get dusted while he's away from the museum."

That thought hadn't even occurred to Jedediah. Yeah, Octavius was safe. Nothing to worry about except what if the magic of that old tablet failed in just the wrong way and Octavius was away from the museum at dawn? He could tell himself that everything would be right as rain, but he couldn't shake the terrible vision of Octavius collapsing into a pile of dust as he watched.

The second Gigantor had gone, he shimmied right out of his display again. His buddy Cletus said, "Where are you going now?"

"My pal's in trouble," Jed said. "I'm going to rescue him. Cover for me back here."

"I will." Something flew by and landed on the ground below. Cletus's lasso. "Good luck, Jed."

"Thanks, partner."

The little remote-control truck was stored behind the docents' counter, and the battery was already charged. Jed cut loose Rexy's bone. No use being chased by a dinosaur. His plan was going swell right until he reached the front door. The truck bumped the door and stopped.

"Tarnation!"

Roosevelt asked, "What's the problem, my Lilliputian friend?"

Jed narrowed his eyes. "You sassing me, Teddy?"

"I wouldn't dream of it. You look like a man on a mission. Have you located the good General?"

"Someone's kidnapped him. I have to find him, Teddy."

The old wax figure gave him a kindly look. "I understand." He opened the door, holding it. "Godspeed, Jedediah. I wish you luck."

Jed gunned the engine and zoomed through the door at speed.

***

Everything had looked tiny on that computer map. Jedediah didn't half know the streets around here. Why would he know his way around? Ever since he'd been shipped to the museum in a box, he hadn't had much reason to walk around outside. He could tell people were staring at his little RC truck with no one around to control it, and stares were bad news. This was a terrible idea. He was going to get lost out here and dust himself.

Octavius would come get him if he'd been the one stolen.

He wound up climbing inside a metal kiosk and grabbing a map of the city. He unfolded it inside the kiosk, reading the print in the low light. Right. Gigantor's computer had been right on the money. The kid didn't live far from here. He couldn't carry the map with him, but he found a giant pen for sale. He uncapped it and wrote what he needed on the side of the truck.

"I'm coming, buddy," he said.

***

It took him the better part of two hours to reach the apartment, all the way on 86th street. He was always aware of the passage of time, the remaining length of his weird, supernatural life, and he knew he had plenty of moonlight left. All he had to do was grab Octavius and get back home.

He stared up at the sixteen story building. It occurred to him there had been an apartment number in the Google. He wondered what it was.

Jedediah left his truck beside some shrubs and scrambled inside behind a lady coming home from work as the doorman stood aside. All right, time to think. There were mailbox slots along the wall. What had been the kid's mom's name? Taylor, that was it. Jed jumped, trying to read the names. Boy, he could use a lift from Gigantor right now, but catch him saying that, he didn't think so.

A potted planet stood by the front door. With a lot of effort, he managed to push the heavy pot closer to the mailboxes, then climbed up to the top. There. Taylor. Apartment 13-G.

"You better appreciate this," he muttered to Octavius, even though he wasn't there.

The museum had an elevator. This one's buttons were way the heck out of reach. Jed stared up, wondering if he could slide the plant into here, where someone walked onto the elevator with him.

He went stiff.

Sometimes, there were people in the museum after dark, people who didn't understand. He wasn't rightly sure how they knew who these people were. He only knew they all stayed quiet and immobile until the interlopers left. Now he held perfectly still, hoping to be mistaken for a dropped toy. The giant pressed one of the buttons. Floor twelve. Not bad.

Jed ran off the elevator behind his unsuspecting benefactor. All he needed now were some stairs. The fire door was right next to the elevator, another piece of luck.

He looked at his belt. He'd never had much reason to practice with Cletus's lasso, but there was no time like the present to try. After a couple of false throws, he managed to hook it around the doorknob and with a heave, he pulled. He even got the lasso free after.

Stairs were always hard. He remembered climbing the front steps to the museum that night, Octavius helping him as they went. Now he had to climb alone, and night was passing on. He reached another door on the thirteenth floor. He had the technique down now and turned the knob, only to realize this one was a push. He was getting tired.

With a mighty shove, he managed to get it open enough to climb through, but the door closed on the lasso. He was never getting that back. Cletus would be furious. Jed would make it up to him if he didn't get dusted tonight.

Jedediah wandered the thirteenth floor, looking for apartment G. Aha! There was another potted plant in the hallway, and it was just tall enough to reach the doorbell. As soon as the door cracked open to the chain, Jed slipped inside and hid behind a cabinet until the door shut again.

"Who was it?" asked some giant woman he couldn't see.

"Nobody," said the giant man who'd answered the door. "Those damn kids again. Mikey, you tell your friends to quit that."

"I will," came a shout from another part of the apartment. The kid.

Jed crept out of his hiding place, keeping watch for the giants. He almost didn't see the huge orange cat making a beeline straight for him. "Oh no you don't," he said, pulling his gun, then waving it threateningly. This only made the cat more curious.

He ran for it. Behind him he heard the soft pad of the cat coming after him. Terrified, he ran faster, expecting any minute to end his days in a short, sharp spread of claws, dismembered on the Taylors' rug. There was an open door, and he bolted inside.

"Go away, Garfield," said the kid, shooing the cat.

Jed panted quietly, thrumming with quiet terror. A cat? Octavius was in an apartment with a cat??

He looked around. Toys lay everywhere, including a stuffed T-rex Jed knew came from the museum store. As he touched it, the fluffy green dinosaur stretched and gave a little growl. Jed shushed it, but the kid had seen. Jed played dead again, not nearly as interesting as the moving T-rex.

"Wow," said Mikey, picking up his toy, moving it around as the dinosaur wiggled unhappily in his grasp. "I didn't know they moved. Mom! Look at this!" He ran out of his room.

"It's long past bedtime," the giant woman said.

Jed breathed a sigh of relief. Then he looked around for his best friend. He accidentally bumped a couple of GI Joes as he did, and watched for a moment as they woke up and started planning a mission of their own.

Octavius lay on the top of Mikey's desk, his arm up at an awkward pose. He was nothing but stiff plastic.

Jedediah hesitated. He'd never seen his friend like this, never seen any of them like this. Octavius looked like a cheap toy, no different from the other toys strewn about the floor. Jed couldn't see a trace of the man he knew, in all his pompous, imposing, brave, clever, wonderful self.

"Aw, tarnation," Jed said quietly to himself.

Those movies Gigantor had shown them had been pretty darn clear what to do in situations like this. Of course, that had been a princess, and if Octavius wasn't a princess, Jedediah was as far from a prince as you could get without coming back around from the other direction. Well, there was nothing for it but to do what had to be done.

When Jed's lips touched him, Octavius's mouth was hard as plastic like the rest of him. Octavius shivered awake, his whole body coming alive at the touch. The stiffness of his lips melted into simple, smooth, alive flesh. Jed sat back on his heels.

"Jedediah?" he said with great confusion.

"Howdy," Jed said.

"I had the most remarkable dream."

Jedediah held out his hand and helped him stand. "Tell me about it when we're back at the museum, mi amigo."

Octavius looked around them. "Where are we?"

Jed looked over the edge of the desk. Garfield the cat sat in the doorway, tail flicking, eyes on the two moving figures. "We are in the belly of the beast, or we will be if we don't get out of here."

"Attack!" The shout came from the side of the room. The GI Joes had awakened their friends, sharing the museum's magic, and all of them had a grudge with the cat. Garfield backed away slowly, growling.

One of the Joes looked at Jed. "The window. It's your best way out." Two more Joes came to the sides of the window and heaved it open with a "Hut hut hut!"

"Thanks, pal," said Jed. "Why are you helping me?"

"You brought us to life. What else could we do?"

Octavius took Jed's arm. "Jedediah, if they don't return to the museum, what happens to them?"

"I don't know. They're not from the museum. Maybe they'll be okay. We have to go."

They went to the window. "Thanks again," he said to the Joes. One of them saluted. Octavius saluted back.

"Quit that."

"I'm a General."

"You're a pain in the rear is what you are. Come on." They climbed out the window into the cold night. They had hours yet until morning. Jed hoped it was enough.

Together, they climbed down the fire escape, jumping from landing to landing. Octavius said, "This would be easier if we had a lasso."

"Shut it," said Jed.

Between the elevator and stairs, it had taken Jed over an hour to get up to the thirteenth floor. Climbing down slowly took almost as long. They reached the ground as the clock struck midnight. Jed held in a laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Check how many shoes you're wearing. Wouldn't want to leave one."

"Oh," said Octavius. He chuckled. "You're referring to that movie we watched. The one with the Cinder girl. Not the one with the sleeping girl. You remember that one?"

Jed hunched over. "Yeah, I remember."

"I woke up thinking about that movie," said Octavius. "You revived me the same way the Prince did."

"What? No. I just woke you up," Jed said.

"Yes, with a kiss."

"You're imagining things. Now get in the truck."

Octavius was yanked out of sight, clutched in Garfield's mouth. They must have left the window open! Jed stood there for a moment, flummoxed and stiff as daylight. He heard Octavius shout, and that broke his paralysis. "I'm coming!" he shouted. He was going to spend his whole night rescuing Octavius, and likely get dusted in the process, and it didn't matter. His friend was in danger.

The cat had run down the street, ducking into a thin alley between buildings. Jed followed, wishing for the millionth time that his guns could fire.

"Here, kitty kitty," he said. "Look at me, I'm a nice, juicy morsel. You let that nasty Roman go and come chase me." Jedediah did a little dance, trying to catch the varmint's attention. He saw it crouched over its prey. Garfield was going to eat Octavius. "HEY!"

He ran pell-mell towards the cat, shouting. There was a small rock in the alley. Jed grabbed it and threw it, clipping the cat on the ear. "You let him go!"

Garfield turned and growled low in his throat, eyes fixed on Jedediah. He'd done what he intended and gotten its attention. Octavius was safe. Jed backed away as the cat approached, quickening its steps and knowing he was never getting away in time.

"Octavius, old buddy? Don't you ever forget me, okay?"

He heard a war cry. Octavius leapt onto the cat's back, holding its mouth taut with a bit of old twine as a rein. The cat snarled and turned, but couldn't get Octavius off his back. Jed watched, amazed, as Octavius deftly spun and turned the cat every which way, making it dizzy. He jumped free at last. "Run!" he shouted to Jed, and they dashed away, back towards the truck.

The cat wasn't confused for long. Jed heard the slap of tiny cat paws catching up behind them. Octavius reached out his hand. Jed took hold and they ran as fast as they could. They were going to go down together. There were worse fates, he reckoned.

"You again," said a giant. The doorman to the building stepped over and scooped up the cat. "Hello there, Garfield. Your owners are going to be very angry with you for getting out again." The cat meowed pitifully, a boneless, limp prisoner in the doorman's arms as he carried him back inside.

Jed looked at Octavius and noticed their hands were still touching. He let go. "Huh. Lucky break."

They meandered back towards the truck. "How did you know how to do that with that cat?" He couldn't keep his awe out of his voice, and he didn't bother trying.

Octavius huffed, enjoying the moment. "Oh, it was nothing. Just a little trick I learned from handling Hannibal's elephants back in the day."

"Funny," Jed said, getting in. "'Cause you're dead scared of elephants."

"I am not. I merely don't enjoy their presence. Especially that bull with the tusks from the savannah hall."

Jed scratched through his limited understanding of world history, filtered heavily though the plaques lining the museum displays. "Octavius, I don't think that story with Hannibal and the elephants actually ever happened."

Octavius shrugged. "Perhaps not. But it's a fine story. Jedediah?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for coming for me."

Jed grinned. "You're welcome."

***

They got back about an hour before dawn. The truck had run out of power and they'd needed to leave it, walking the rest of the way home on foot. Gigantor caught them sneaking in. "Jedediah, I told you we'd call!"

"I know," Jed said sheepishly.

Gigantor rubbed his face. He looked awful tired. "You could have been caught out there at dawn. You could have gotten dusted. That was a foolhardy thing you did."

"I know that, too." He wasn't about to apologize.

Octavius stepped forward. "Larry, blame it on me. I was the one who left."

"No, he left. You were stolen."

"I was, and my friend brought me home. I could not ask for a better savior." He took Jed's hand.

Gigantor looked at them for a long moment, a wry smile growing on his huge face. "I'm glad you're back safe. Now you two get back in the dioramas. And Jedediah, let me handle it next time."

"I will." They walked together back to the hall. Jed pretended not to notice they were still holding hands until they reached the wall, staring up at the long climb ahead before dawn.

Octavius said, "I can never thank you enough."

"Aw, it was nothing. You'd have done the same for me."

"Of course I would, but that's because … " Octavius broke off. "Of course I would. Down to the part where I woke you up."

Jedediah stood back. "You're not on that again?"

"On what? That kiss? That was nothing. You were merely waking me up, as you said."

"Right. Glad we're agreed on that."

"We are. If it had been a real kiss, it would have been completely different."

"Exactly." Jed went to climb and stopped. Octavius got like this a lot, and Jed admitted he liked that about him. What the heck. "But if it had been real?"

"We agreed it wasn't."

"Right, right. But if it was, what would that have been like?"

Above them in the dioramas, he heard the Romans milling around, preparing for their daily poses. In the Old West, the train was puffing its last as the cowboys shouted their morning farewells. Another night was ending, and a new day about to begin.

"Do you mean, what if you'd come to rescue me, and kissed me awake with a, what did they call it, a true love's first kiss? I think that would have been quite charming."

"Charming how?"

Octavius took Jed's face in his hands and kissed him tenderly. Jed remembered the hard plastic from hours before, and melted just a little against the soft touch now. "Charming," said Octavius with a sly, happy grin.

Jed wasn't going to let him have it all his own way. "I don't know about that. Didn't seem so charming to me." He pulled Octavius close again and kissed him back a little harder, a little dirtier, his soul singing as Octavius placed his hands on his shoulders.

Jedediah broke the kiss. "Now that's what I'd call charming."

Octavius shook his head. "I'm not sure I agree. We'd better try again to determine who's right."

***

Larry made his last sweep as the early morning light came in through the high windows. Nobody was on fire. Dexter was where he ought to be. All the gum had been scraped off the Moai.

He paused in the diorama hall to check Jedediah and Octavius had made it back into their displays safely. His eyes scanned the little figures, not seeing them, and he scanned the room, worried. Two figures stood on the floor. Larry thought getting stuck for a day mid-kiss was by far not the worst thing that could have happened to his little friends last night, and might just about be the best way to wake up later. Dr. McPhee would have a cow if he saw them that way, though.

Larry picked up Jed and Octavius, careful to keep them together. He tucked them behind the wall of the Roman display, well out of sight of the museum guests. They'd wake up together tonight none the worse for wear.

"Sleep well, guys."


End file.
